The Princeton Chronicles
by Bloody Koalas
Summary: Medical School didn't teach him that people could be so stupid. He had to figure it out on his own. A clinic-drabble.
1. Sunday in the Park with Barbie

**The Princeton Chronicles**

**By: Marie**

**Disclaimer: My birth certificate has a typo. It says I'm not David Shore.**

"Doctor House checks in for clinic duty at three." The gruff doctor mumbled to the nurse. He was missing a very important episode of General Hospital, Missy was finally coming out of her coma, this information was crucial! Now he was missing it because of Cuddy. He grabbed the nearest patient chart and turned to the awaiting patients.

"You'll never take me alive!!" He shouted as he made his way to exam room three. Upon entering the room he was shocked at what he saw, a blonde. Not just any blonde, a beautiful blonde, he had to admit she was definitely artificially blonde, but the fact that she happened to be wearing a very low cut tank made up for that. 'This must be my lucky day', he thought as he shut the door. He pulled up a chair.

"Well, what seems to be the problem?" He asked as his eyes roved over her perfect body, her perfect curves. She looked frightened.

"I found a lump." Her voice quivered. Tears welled up in her eyes.

"A lump?" House quirked his eyebrow, "Would you mind telling me where?"

She hastily wiped away her tears.

"Yeah sure." she said as she pulled down her low cut tank even further.

"Yowzer!!" House shouted as she flashed her bare chest at him. "It's right here." She pointed to a small red bump on her breast. He leaned in closer.

"Uh, I don't really know how to tell you this but…." He was quickly cut off with the cries of the weeping blonde.

"Oh! Theresa was right. I knew it too in my heart. I have breast cancer don't I?! Tell it to me straight Doc!!" House was stunned as the sobbing woman threw herself on him crying hysterically.

"Ah, what was your name again?" He asked as he managed to push her off him. Tears stained the front of his shirt. He grabbed a pen and his prescription pad.

"Barbie!" she managed to get out between sobs. "Well, Barbie, here give this to the nurse outside." he said handing her the prescription he had written.

"What is it?" Barbie asked confusion in her voice.

"A prescription."

"What? How can you treat cancer with a prescription?" House slowly stood up and reached for his cane. He turned toward a very bewildered Barbie.

"It's a bug bite, you idiot!" House shouted. Barbie's eyes grew as wide as saucers and her mouth formed the shape of an 'O'. He wished he had his camera with him. Then he lumbered toward the exam room door. Another clinic case another stupid clinic patient. Then a thought occurred to him. He turned back toward Barbie.

"Do you know how you got the bug bite in that spot exactly?"

Barbie looked shocked. "Is it important?"

"Sure."

"Well than it must have been when…" Her brow furrowed in concentration. "Oh, yeah! It must have been when me and my boyfriend, Ken, were at the beach! It was really hot so he convinced me to.…"

"Whoa! Hold it! Too much information, and did you say your boyfriend's name is Ken?"

"Yeah?"

"You're joking, right?"

"No, why would I?"

"Hold on, do you have siblings?"

Barbie seemed completely unfazed by the fact that a strange doctor was asking such personal questions, which she answered carelessly.

"Sure I do. There's Stacy and Kelly…."

House's eyes widened as he tried to hold in his laughter! "Ah, that will be all, Barbie." He said quickly before shutting the door on the still babbling blonde. He called over a nurse.

"Please send the patient in exam room three to the psychiatric ward to be evaluated."

The nurse was new but recognized the doctor from all the stories that she had heard. This was obviously doctor House and her instincts told her that he was up to something. "Might I ask what's wrong with said patient?"

"Let's just say after 43 long years together, I have a feeling that Barbie and Ken are breaking up!"

The nurse gave the crippled doctor a strange look as he hobbled out of the clinic. Dare she open the door to exam room three to find out what the estranged doctor meant? She opened the door quickly and immediately regretted her decision as the wrath of Barbie was unleashed!


	2. Like Sands Through The Hourglass

**A/N: Wow thanks for the awesome reviews! I wasn't expecting anything since I was just fooling around! I just hope all my Barbie information was okay!**

**Summary: It's not everyday you meet someone with the same strange hobby as House. Only in the clinic!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own House. I just obsess about every second of every day…I'll be right back. I need to make another appointment with my therapist.**

"_No! I didn't shoot him twice!!" Parker shouted. His eyes were frantic. The officer stared at him, doubt written all over his face. "I didn't!" Parker shouted once more desperately. Carly stepped in front of her son as the officer approached Parker with a pair of gleaming handcuffs. "No you are not taking my son! Sam was a madman! Parker was only defending himself! It's not his fault!" _

Suddenly the drama was interrupted.

"Uhhhh. Is this supposed to help my broken toe?" An irritated voice piped up.

House turned to face the man with an annoyed look on his face. "Yes stupid little man. Now shut up. Can't you see that Parker is about to be arrested!"

"My name is George Perkins and," the man looked down at his watch. "We've been watching soap operas for almost an hour! When are you going to treat my toe?"

"First off, it's a broken toe! You splint it and take some aspirin! Now swallow this and shut up!" House handed George a chalky, white, oblong pill from his pocket.

The man looked at the pill hesitantly. "What is it?'

"Vicoden. Now be quiet."

George shrugged and dry swallowed. He turned back toward House. "So what's this called?"

"All My Children, General Hospital was a rerun today." House replied.

"Oh. This plotline is stupid."

"Shut up."

"I don't understand what's going on!" the man whined.

House turned toward George in a rage! "Parker is Carly's son. Parker shot Sam, a psycho who was trying to kidnap Carly and frame Parker. Parker is now being arrested for shooting Sam. Who is now dead, get it, got it. GOOD!"

George stared in shock at the red faced doctor. "Can I go now?" he asked quietly.

"No. I have to make it look like I'm doing something or Cuddy will have my ass."

"What?"

House turned toward the man. "Are you thick or something? All you have to do is shut up and watch soap operas with me until Cuddy releases me from the dungeon. Can you do that?" House spoke slowly so that George would be sure to understand.

George nodded yes. House returned to watching All My Children while George dove into a bag of Bugles.

Soon the credits were rolling across the small TV's screen. House leaned back and sighed.

"Wow I can't wait for next week's episode!"

"Don't be stupid that episode was not exciting at all! And the acting!" George puckered his face. "BLAH!"

House stared at him. "You know of a better show than All My Children and General Hospital? I don't think so!"

George's face was bright red. "So what if I do!"

House stared in disbelief at the man who he had been watching soaps and eating Bugles with. Personally he was enjoying the riveting discussion. It wasn't very often anyone willingly talked about his strange hobby with him, in his and George's case though they happened to be arguing.

"Fine! I dare you to name one soap opera better than All My Children and General Hospital!" house shot back.

"D.O.O.L." George replied calmly.

"What?" House looked at the man strangely.

"D.O.O.L." He repeated. "Days of Our Lives."

"Wait, you mean 'Like sands through the hourglass… so are the Days of Our Lives.' That show!" House shouted.

George nodded coolly. "Yep!"

House grinned evilly. "You're on!"

Seven Hours, Two Episodes of D.O.O.L., Five Episodes of All My Children, and Ten bags of Bugles Later…..

"Uhhhh…………." A strangled moan escaped the lips of George as he lay on the examination table. "Too many Bugles!"

"Oh suck it up!" House replied as he turned the TV off with his cane. "I had just as many as you and you don't see me complaining!"

George chuckled. "Man this was the best Doctors visit I've had in years!" Then he looked at House, all seriousness. "I have to say. You were right D.O.O.L. sucks compared to the others!"

House nodded his approval. "Never forget George. I always win in the end!"

"So. Next week same time?" George gaped out as he attempted to sit up. House handed him his coat and opened the door for George as he stepped out in to the empty waiting room.

"Sure! You get the beer I get the Bugles!"

END


	3. Sam Adams

A/N: Hi guys. Sorry for not updating in awhile. It has been a rough month for me.

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to House, Bud Light, Sam Adams, Bugles, Harvard and anything that doesn't seem like mine in this fic.

Samuel Adams stared at the doctor lying on the examination table. A PSP hung halfway out of his limp hand and the doctor's IPod hung suspended in midair. the only thing keeping the electronical device from hitting the floor was the wires from his headphones, which were pulled taut. A blue mini cooler sat on the floor next to the examination table, a bag of Bugles lay carelessly on top. The unshaven face of the doctor disgusted the well groomed man, and he was starting to  
regret entering this room. He continued to stare at the Doctor. His abrupt snores startling him. Slowly Samuel reached forward. Perhaps he could just poke him and he'd wake up? The man timidly touched the rumpled shirt. As if by chain reaction the man snorted awake. The IPod crashed to the floor, and the Doctor's cane was knocked over by the flailing of House's arms as he was startled awake.

Samuel jumped back in surprise giving a shout as House turned toward him, fire in his eyes. Several tense moments passed as patient and Doctor were anxiously locked in a stern gaze. Samuel shifted his eyes back and forth nervously. He cleared his throat into his closed fist.  
"Ahem! Excuse me but I seem to have a problem." House still stared, enjoying the nervous reaction he was getting from this "patient".  
"I have..." Samuel was interrupted.  
"What's your name?" House quirked his eyebrow in true House fashion. Samuel stared back calmly as he replied. "Samuel Adams." Somehow House managed to hold in his laughter.  
"Do you mean like the beer?"  
"Yes. Please don't say anymore, it's rather embarrassing to be named after a beer." House nodded sympathetically, placing his hand on the man's shoulder.  
"Yes I'm sure Bud Light felt the same way when he was named." Samuel looked up sharply and glared at the middle aged doctor. House ignored him, instead focusing on pushing himself up from the examination table. He reached for his cane and looked back toward Samuel Adams.  
"You were saying you had a problem?" Samuel nodded, "Hence why I came here." House gave the man a peculiar look.  
"You look rich? Which means you most likely are? Why did you come here?"  
Samuel shuffled his feet nervously. "It's actually Quite embarrassing really," Stressing the word Quite, Samuel took a moment to laugh nervously before continuing. "You see, I was at this party and there was this girl and we..." Samuel then nodded suggestively at House.  
House nodded in understanding. "So you and her hit the sack like a couple of idiots and you forgot the condom, I'm guessing you have an interesting rash that wasn't there the night before when Mommy tucked you in. I'm also guessing you have a family Doctor who would just love to tell your parents that their son is not, in fact, a virgin as he claims." House finished this last statement by dramatically snapping on his glove. Samuel nodded dejectedly.  
"But I have to say I was under the influence of alcohol! I swear it was not my intention to get in 'the sack' as you claim!" House nodded exuberantly. Pointing his thumbs down.  
"Whatever you say. Drop em!" Samuel pulled down his pants.  
"Please sir, I would be quite grateful if you would be GENTLE!" He shouted the last word as House started examining the rash.He looked angrily at House.  
"I said be GENTLE. You're handling me like an ape! I feel violated!"  
"Just keep talking sunny boy! Remember I'm the one with the prescription pad!" Samuel swallowed his pride and continued to let the doctor examine him. "I do hope it's nothing serious." he added softly, trying to make conversation.  
"Most likely not. I'll take this sample to the lab. Honestly it doesn't look like anything serious. Probably your regular old diaper rash. I'm assuming you don't wear those now. You look like such a BIG boy!"  
"Somehow I feel as though I have just been insulted!" House grinned evilly.  
"I have to say Sam Adams, you are very entertaining!"  
"Oh, and why is that DOCTOR." Samuel said mockingly.  
"Well you're obviously an idiot. And your stupidity can be very entertaining to well educated people, like me."  
Samuel put on a disgusted face. "I'll have you know I have been accepted to Harvard!"  
House grinned. "Oh really. Then I guess you knew that your 'rash' was actually the lint from your RED P.J.'s?"  
Samuel felt shock wash over him. He slowly pulled open his pants and peeked down. Now that he looked carefully, it was lint. He stared back at the doctor. House reached down into the cooler beside him pulling out a six pack. He broke one off and handed it to the still shocked soon to be Harvard student as he ushered him out the door.  
"Have a nice day." House said slamming the clinic room door shut in the young mans face.  
Once the door slammed shut, Samuel Adams, with a dumb look on his face, looked at the label on the beer. It read.

'Sam Adams: Light'.


End file.
